To do’s To don’ts

Hello everyone,

we are half way through september I can’t even believe it. What a whirl wind it has been. My daughter has started kindergarten and wow.. that has been amazing to watch. Its been hard keeping on top of everything especially with her gradual entry schedule. Im writing to do list and finding I can’t keep up. Im about 3 steps behind the starting point if you know what I mean! I am finding it really hard to find a system that works for me. With my natural bent, and its even harder when Im surrounded by such great woman who know there systems! A perk to being married and not having kids for a while. for me I felt like Ive been on the go every since I started.. like for Emma having gradual entry into kindergarten to get used to it.. only goes for like 2 hours. She loves it and looking forward to putting more on her plate. Well that wasn’t the case for me I didn’t get a gradual entry. thats no ones fault but my own but Im trying to figure out how to manage that. I am not an organized person to begin with. Some people are born that way, oh do I admire there ways. and I dream of the days I could accomplish what they accomplish but for me for some reason right now (I’m saying right now because I don’t want to tell myself this is what forever looks like) its not how it is. we came home from chelan, got right into school and I slowly emptied the trailer.. not going to lie to you guys there are still things that need to be emptied.. my laundry room is full of clothes that need to be put away my bedroom is the same! AHH I’m being over taken by laundry and stuff!! its really quite overwhelming and really quite terrifying to be honest. So if any of you have any thoughts on how to maintain or how to tackle a big mess let me know! That is my ToDo..

as for my TO DONT! I am challenging myself to not let myself be swept away in the comparison game. that is a risky game and no one ever wins. I am finding it hugely relates to the fact you have to really accept that God made you the way you are for a reason. and yes despite the chaos that is your home he still loves you. oh and just because you can’t keep a wonderfully looking beautiful home doenst mean you are a write off. you can always grow and change. but you can never grow and change if you are defeated by what you are not good at! instead of comparing admire the skill set that is around you. instead of judging and being like well obviously they care way to much to be perfect take a second and think maybe thats the way they stay sane. Maybe if they let there house be in a little bit of chaos that would be there downfall and they maintain that level of beautifulness because its what keeps them going. we are all good at something. we all have wonderful abilities and talents. Its hard for me to hear us as woman pick each other apart out of insecurity jealousy or comparing. Its a reflection on ourselves that we aren’t at peace with what we don’t know how to do. SO i want to change that. I remember my dad saying “take care of your kingdom Amy, you can’t function at your full capacity unless you take care of your kingdom” my kingdom meaning my room… ya okay dad I get it.. thanks.. but did I form those wonderful habits when I was younger? NO i was a teenager I didn’t want to waist time cleaning my room. well now I wish I had! haha So I am challenging myself to stop waisting my time comparing and feeling down about the fact that Im not good at this and I’m going to take care of my kingdom. As a mother I have the honour of setting the tone in my home. I have the honour of establishing a place of love and serenity. I can’t do that if Im always feeling upset that my house isn’t nicely decorated because I’m not sure how to go about it or perfectly clean. I agree it needs to be organized and functioning somewhat but when I get to the starting point.. my mess is my mess and its beautiful. Once I get back on track and laundry is put away and life feels like we are back on ground zero, Im not going to worry then how it looks. That mountain is just to high. Im going to worry about the love that is filling my home and how my kids feel. They won’t remember if I was perfect, they won’t even remember if I had a specific place for my towels. I just need to keep reminding myself not to drown in the excuse of I’m not good at this and just do what I can do. and let myself off the hook. I will get started.. tomorrow. 🙂


Seasons of Life

There comes a time in every parents journey that they have to let there kids grow with out them. Well it has come, not fully but its the beginning. My Emma has started kindergarten.. kindergarten oh my goodness, I can’t even begin to express my feelings.
As she was telling me how excited she is to be going to kindergarten I felt so overwhelmed, thankful, emotional, well a whole whack of emotions to be honest.It just feels so crazy it’s actually happening. Emma and I have been through so much together, more than she even realizes. The nighttime feeds where I prayed we would be okay and that God would protect us, the times I rocked her to sleep just so I could stare at her, my future. Not for one second have I regretted any minute of her being apart of my life. Was she a surprise oh yes.. Was she my grace? Most definitely. An unplanned pregnancy Something that the world looks at as a mistake has filled my life with more joy adventure faith love grace and happiness. Has it been hard at times 100% have I felt at my whits end when my 4 year old has totally stumped me because she’s that good talking you into a corner…. Yes. Everything has ups and down.. But today was an up.. A huge up. She has a half smile on her face as she walked into the classroom you can tell she’s half nervous but half excited about what her kindergarten classroom looks like.. On the way there she says to me “mommy I’m going to make sure everyone has a friend just like preschool but the first thing I’m going to do is learn how to read.” She’s a gem. Her daddy face timing her this morning to wish her a wonderful day.. She’s all giggly.. We get off the phone and she says “when I see daddy my tummy jumps a little.. That’s how I know I love him so much.” Today has been one for the books incredible moments shared with my big little girl. Before I left her she says time “mommy tell jack I’ll be home soon and I miss him and he will come to kindergarten soon to.. ” ☺️ So here I stand thankful, thankful God is faithful, thankful he turns what the enemy intended to take me out and separate me from my family into a beautiful picture of Gods infinite grace and restoration. I’m thankful for Emma’s beautiful heart to love on everyone she knows. And I’m thankful she’s mine.

Theres a whole other element to this amazing little girl of mine starting preschool and thats time. Time with my second born Jack. Time I’ve never had because he’s always had his sister around. His buddy his friend. When Emma was gone that first day all Jack did was call for her. “EMMA WHERE ARE YOU?” (opens all the doors to all the different rooms in our house just to check if she is there) at first I think he thought she was playing with him. he started to giggle and said it again “Emma where are you….” in a sneaky voice. When she didn’t jump out at him and yell “RAWR” he started to get sad. he came to me and looked at me puzzled “Wheres Emma” in his mumbly almost can’t make out what he’s saying voice. I replied with “She’s at school Jack, she’ll be home soon” he hung his head. that first day felt a little crazy I didn’t really sit and spend time with him because I was unpacking from a recent family holiday feeding lincoln rushing here and there. You could see on his face he felt lost. Then we went to pick her up! WOW the excitement started he couldnt wait he would just laugh and yell YAA and dance around he couldnt wait to see his sister. Today is Friday and she has been at school now for a couple of days. We came home today after dropping Emma off at school, I put Linc down for his nap and made english muffins with jam for Jack and I to share.. He got his plate out of the drawer and one for me, pulling my leg to sit with him at the little kids table. I sat with him and ate, his face was glowing, smiling at me and talking away. I could only understand random words of what he was saying, he was was delighted. On one hand my oldest is going to be learning and growing and finding out more of who she is without me around, but my middle goofy hilarious little boy is getting time with just me. Im going to be able to bond with him in a new way, figure out all his little quarks find out exactly what makes him so amazing. Im really looking forward to this new season. Im excited to watch my children grow and watch God input everything he has for them. Its exciting. Im feeling pretty blessed that I can be a stay at home and spend this beautiful time with my kids. It feels pretty amazing. So heres to a fresh season. A new and exciting change in life!

Jack 2 years old

Jack 2 years old

Emma 4 years old on her first day of school Sept 3' 2014

Emma 4 years old on her first day of school Sept 3′ 2014

My apologies

Hey everyone,

My apologies for not being consistent and posting like I said I was going to. I have found that the relaxed summer lifestyle and the business of kids has me out of schedule and not focussed!

I will post and post more consistantly in september!

In the Face of a tragedy

Hey guys,

Im so sorry that I haven’t been true to my every wednesday! Things have been a little hectic and crazy in our lives as of late!

On Canada my father inlaw was in a very serious quading accident. He was coming back to his truck and the throttle stuck when he was shifting gears.. His quad went racing forward until he hit a bank and was thrown about 15 ft from his quad into trees. He landed and then a boulder around 300 lbs landed on top of him. He managed to lift the boulder off of himself but could not move his body. People were there within minutes to help and within a half hour he was airlifted to VGH. He went through surgery right away to reconstruct a vertebrae that had shattered, with rods and screws. He had no sensation or movement in his feet a broken ankle some broken ribs and minor cuts and scrapes.. What a devastating call to get. It has felt really surreal the whole thing. The emotions come like waves and wash over us, one minute we are falling apart the next minute we are so strong. My sister inlaw said it well the night of the surgery. We all went for dinner to distract us while we waited, she said “Its a good thing we have people praying because right now I feel numb!” So the truth. I felt like all I could say was “please Lord.. Heal him..” over and over again! He came through surgery and the surgeon said that it went beautifully and now we wait to see what happens. we wait to see if his legs will move! So that is where we are now. We are waiting. Taking turns at VGH making sure he is getting the care he needs. Praying over him shuffling kids and trying to process it all. Its amazing what comes out of you when you are feeling crushed by life. How will you react when the pressure is on you. When life doesn’t go how we think and tragedy happens how do you react?

I am watching my father inlaw react to this unexpected turn in life with GREAT faith.. It has been both challenging and incredible to whiteness and be apart of it. As a family we started writing in a journal logging the days events and writing what we are thankful in each day. And everyday he is finding things to write. Everyday he gets stronger physically and spiritually. His faith is grounded in God and he is teaching us every day that our faith in God isn’t defined by what happens to us in life.

In my heart during this I have felt like this is christianity. Living out your faith when it isn’t easy and we can’t see the future. Its so easy to become content with life, especially when every day is the same. Until in a minute life changes and you are thrown into uncertainty and the unexpected. Today in church Our Pastor spoke on being prepared. having enough oil to keep the fire lit incase of unexpected darkness. Keeping yourself full of the holy spirit. To equip you to fight those unexpected turn of events. Its been so faith building to see my father in law have an attitude of gratitude. I feel like he is seeing God in a whole new way. Writing down what we are thankful for has changed the atmosphere of that hospital room. I don’t leave the hospital feeling down I leave it feeling encouraged! People ask me why I believe in God. For me it is simple, I have seen his mighty work in my life. I have submitted my will to his and I have seen him turn my situations and direct my life in a totally different direction! And I am watching him first hand work in my father in laws life and in our lives. We have hope, we have peace, we have courage to face the day. Its not by our power but by his power. Life is unpredictable and a lot of the times especially in awful situations we ask why. I am learning that why is not the right question. Its taking what the world throws at you and giving it back to God. Its about leaning on him in everything and praying fervently through everything. Not just when its bad but when its good.

Having an attitude of gratitude is life changing. I went through a series called 1000 gifts by Ann Voscamp and that is exactly what it was about. Giving thanks and finding the gift in every situation. When you force yourself to find the gifts it soon becomes second nature. I am finding that it is easier and easier to find things I am thankful for. Praising and thanking God that He is our healer, that he is the one that saves us. I am believing for total healing. I am believing for Gods glory to shine through in this situation.

So today I am thankful That my father in law is continuing to get stronger, that every day his spirits are lifted, that he is choosing an attitude of gratitude. That even in the face of trial he is choosing God. He is continuing to be a strength to our family. I am thankful that during this time my husband and I are expierencing a new kind of closeness and are learning how to be deeper in our faith together as a unit. This is an extremely hard time, and from what I have experienced in life these moments are the most precious moments because they are the moments that give you strength and refine you. We don’t know the future, but what we do know is God has us in the palm of His hand.

Until next week

Hey everyone. 

I have had a family emergency, my father inlaw was in a quading accident yesterday. We have been at the hospital and not focusing on anything else!! So I’m postponing my blog post until next week!! Please pray for him. He is needing to be covered in prayer desperately. 


Thanjs guys. 



Nobody’s perfect.. I love that.

Hello everyone,

Its been a little while since my last post! Im trying to figure out how I want to approach this. Im thinking Im going to start out by posting once a week at least unless I have more thoughts that pop into my mind or things I feel are on my heart to share. Im going to post every wednesday for sure.

My last post was giving a little bit of my story and how I got to this place Im in. Its really amazing me to look back and see what God has done for me. After I had Emma I was prepared to do it by myself. I wanted to be responsible and a good mother. I wasn’t expecting to meet Devan!

I met Devan during the Billy Graham Rock the River event. It was a youth Rally to prepare the youth for the big concert in the park! I saw him from across the room and recognized him. I went to white rock christian for 2 years when I was in grade 5&6 and my brother played basketball with Devan. As I was looking at him from across the room he started walking in my direction… I was feeling a little nervous all of the sudden… did he notice me to? was he going to just come right up to me and talk to me? I smiled at him.. he got closer… literally bumped into me  said sorry and kept on going. And still to this day doesn’t remember seeing me.. Well I laughed and told my younger brother I had seen him. He convinced me to add him on Facebook so I did! It was a very random first message, I mean Im four years younger than Devan so it would be strange if he remembered me. So the message went a little like this.. Hey Devan saw you at the rally today.. Im Joels sister I don’t know if you remember me but I thought I would say hey. Needless to say he didn’t remember me! BUT he was very gracious and chatted with me anyways. We started chatting a lot and I started realizing I needed to tell him about Emma. She’s kind of important.. It had been a week of us talking A LOT on Facebook chat when my younger brother Joseph asked me what he thought about Emma… Well I couldnt answer that because I hadn’t told him yet! SO I realized I better do that. So that night over Facebook chat (man technology really brings people together now a days… lol) I told him my story! It was a terrifying conversation but at the same time I had SO much peace about it. I thought to myself if anything he’s a great friend to have. Well he heard my story and asked me to go for coffee of course I agreed. We met at starbucks on our non date that he very much clarified when I arrived there and he had already ordered his coffee and was sitting waiting for me. I was feeling nervous.. he was so good-looking! and seemed like he was interested in me. We talked for hours!

I left that non date feeling like I had met my future. I felt like I truly recognized something inside of him that I had been praying for ever since I started thinking about what kind of husband I wanted. well those thoughts felt a little strange and a bit crazy to say the least. I went home and asked my mom to pray with me. Im sure she probably felt I was a little crazy but isn’t that the best thing about moms?? they are always there for us! So we prayed. We continued to talk and it was awesome. We had such wonderful conversations about life and where we wanted to be in the future our relationship with God, what we were passionate about.. We just connected and it was awesome. As time went on there were things that were leading me to believe that Devan needed to figure out some lose ends in his life. I was committed to God first and foremost in my life and at that point Emma was my family and I needed to do what was best for her no matter if I was in a relationship or not. So I had to be sure that this guy… that I was truly falling for was absolutely sure that he could handle being with me. I was not interested in dating for the sake of dating. SO I broke it off with him.. I stopped all communication. I told him that I wasn’t interested in journeying through his past hurts or lose ends that he needed to tie up for himself. I have been through so much and I am in such a good place that I needed to connect myself with someone in the same place as me. This is probably one of the most difficult conversations Ive ever had. At that point I felt like I could spend the rest of my life with this person. I saw so many amazing qualities in him. And my heart wanted him in my life so badly. But I knew I couldn’t settle. I struggled with feeling like I have made so many mistakes in my life and I came with a lot responsibility and my situation could be unpredictable! I shouldn’t have such a high standard. I don’t really deserve amazing. Maybe Ill just try with this anyways and go past the little red flags I was feeling.. I felt God talked to me that day. He impressed on my heart that I had a purpose in my life that he was going to use me and all my imperfections one day. That no matter what you have done it doesn’t disqualify you from what God has for you. So I just felt like I needed to break it off with Dev. He was shocked that sunday afternoon. He felt like everything was going so smoothly. He was telling me how much he was enjoying what we had going. I was so strong in the truck talking to him. I got into my car and drove away crying. I thought why did I meet him then God? Were the strong feelings I had inside of me that he was my future wrong? Glad I only told my mom about that.. I went home skyped with my mom who was away at the time and told her I broke it off with him. She said WHAT ARE YOU DOING?? Amy!! He is so great what are you thinking!?? And he’s willing to take on your situation!! AMY!!! I replied with mom I know.. Ive had the same feelings trust me. But I really feel like this is from the Lord. She said okay and she laughed kind of in that I’m so shocked kind of way and said you’ve got some kind of faith girl! 3 weeks later of no communication or anything Devan had done some soul searching. He was determined to get me back. He knew without a doubt he wanted to be with me so he found a way. He got my dads phone number and took him out for coffee to ask him if he could date me. My dad said well its up to her, if she says yes then you have my blessing. About a week after that Devan sent a little card with a good friend of ours Steph, She brought it with some flowers.. I thought oh wow thanks steph but its not my birthday or anything! this is so sweet of you. I put the card on the table and she literally yelled JUST OPEN IT.. with a smile on her face! Startled I said OH okay wow yes I will open that right up, right now.. Of course it wasn’t from her but It was from Devan there was a big gerber daisy and a small gerber daisy. One for me one for Emma. 20 minutes later he showed up with another big bouquet of flowers and a little bouquet of flowers. He picked Emma and I up and took us to the beach where he had a picnic all laid out. Then he poured his heart out and told me he wanted to be with him that he wanted Emma and he couldn’t imagine life without us. I was overwhelmed. I felt like for that moment it was worth the breaking it off. It was like the time apart solidified something in him and in me. I knew in that moment that he would never regret the day he decided to marry that girl with a baby. It was the most peaceful feeling. It was all happening so fast but it didn’t feel that way. My heart was ready for it, and clearly his was to. We dated for 3.5 months and he purposed! and 3.5 months later we were married!! It was incredible and felt like a whirlwind.

People asked me if we stayed pure while we were dating or because you both had done it in the past was it worth it to you to wait..  and we all know what IT is. Im proud to say that we didn’t do it until we were married. And I often think about that “was it worth it to wait”.  My answer to that is yes its always worth it to wait. This journey of dating Devan,  I guess it wasn’t really dating as much as it was courting. So the courtship we went through included so much of our family. My mom and I spent so much time talking about our relationship and what it was like and how excited and blessed we both felt that Devan had come along. That Gods handprint was all over my situation. The redemption was happening he was turning what the enemy meant to destroy me with into a beautiful beautiful story. Im not going to sit here and say we were totally perfect all we did was hold hands our whole entire relationship! Thats just not true. But when temptation came the drive to do right was far greater than our drive to DO IT. We had both screwed up and caused both of our parents so much pain. Not only that but the mistakes we made felt so wrong and had life changing ramifications. I desperately wanted to walk down the isle linked on my dads arm knowing I hadn’t failed him again. Knowing that I was able to look outside of myself and say no to what my flesh was wanting. Its all a process. God has a process for everything. I was born into a beautiful family. My parents were faithful to God and raised me by His ways. They sacrificed everything so that us kids could have the best that they could offer us. They prayed for me while I was out with those sketchy friends, they have sleepless nights hoping and praying you will make the right decisions.. you make it through high school! For me the crazy things didn’t happen to me in high school but right after high school having my baby. My father walked with me through it all and loved me relentlessly. My mom cried with me and was there for me, laughed with and hugged me. I owed it to them to stay pure in my next relationship. So that on the day my dad walked me down the isle and the pastor says who gives this woman away to this man? And my dad replied with Her mother and I do he was not made a fool of. Sex isn’t just sex. Its the joining of two people, two spirits becoming one. When you make a covenant before God and your family that this person is the one you will fight it out with for the rest of your life you seal it with that act. Theres a lot more meaning to who gives this woman away to this man! Theres my dad who fought to keep me safe. I strayed away from him I did my own thing and got so burned by the fire. He picked up those pieces and taught me how to be strong again. How to let forgiveness into my heart and how to rise above. I was back under his protection again. I was there until he gave me away. The right way. Gods blessing was all over it.

My wedding day to me was so much more than I was marrying my best friend. It was so much more unexpected than that. I felt like God showed up that day. It was one of those defining moments. Ive never been more clear and at peace in my whole life. My dads eyes glossy and proud. My mom looking at me the way I look at Emma. My new inlaws  accepting and loving. Two families coming together and Devan and I starting on a new adventure that would be ours. Its hard to describe and put into words. It was a light bulb moment.. Oh This is what God wants for us. This is why He calls us to a higher standard. The bible isn’t full of rules and regulations that are trying to cheat you from the pleasures of life or the happiness everyone else seems to be feeling. Its protection and a process. I have learned and Im still learning that the process is a beautiful thing. Allowing yourself to be moulded by God and submitting our wills to him will only ever result in true growth, peace, happiness. He is our God. If it wasn’t for his infinite Grace I wouldn’t be here right now. Everything I am and have I want to be for His glory.

The bottom line is no matter where you are at or what you are hiding. He sees you. Not to condemn you or push you lower but to comfort you and raise you up. I often think of this with my own kids.. Emma is so feisty and has so much personality. she’s always doing something.. not listening or whatever it may be but never in the whole time of being her mom have I looked at her and thought your just a lost cause I think Im going to give up on you. she’s my child and I can’t imagine loving anyone more than I love her! HOW MUCH MORE is Gods love for us?? We can’t fathom. Submission to His will and transparency will carry you through. Nobody is perfect and I love that.


This is when we were dating Engaged Married!

unnaturally and painfully exposed.

hello, thanks for visiting my new blog rawgrace. Why did I name it rawgrace? One definition of raw that I found in the dictionary is “Unnaturally or painfully exposed”. To be raw a feeling I have felt a tremendous amount of in my life. Grace again is something I have been given a tremendous amount of in my life. aren’t we all given that grace!  I have been told by numerous people that I should start writing.. Im not going to lie I have been resisting the idea, mostly because Im not a very good speller and my grammer is terrible! Not just that but it is hard to be vulnerable.. or should I say raw.. !  But I have decided that I have a story for a reason and I am going to share it. It doesn’t matter if its grammatically correct or if the spelling is right. You’ll get the idea.

My story begins with that definition of being unnaturally and painfully exposed. Feeling like my life was being unraveled and I had no way of hiding it. No way of covering up the decisions I made. It was all out there exposed for everyone to see. I posted a picture right before this post (still getting the hang of this blog site) but I meant for it to be apart of this one. Thats me. 19 pregnant and single. Going through the hardest time in my life. looking at that picture now I don’t see the  the incredible amount of pain that I was feeling, the feelings of fear, or the grieving of my youth. I see a strong person who has endeared themselves to being pregnant. I must have had more faith than I realized.

It all started with a decision. A decision stemmed from a broken heart. When high school relationships mean everything. I graduated high school, entered a world I didn’t know, and had no idea what I wanted to do. I did know that I wanted to be independent so badly. I wanted to go out there and be me without the rules of my parents. I wanted to break out. I loved my parents and who they were in my life. I would have never called myself rebellious because I never got into things my parents didn’t want or act disrespectfully or act crazy. But I would say I was tenacious for my independence. In my time of feeling lonely from a recent break up I allowed myself to entertain a relationship with someone I normally wouldn’t have. Yup the classic story of a rebound gone wrong. I was advised very strongly to stay away from this guy. My dad is a wise man, and he can feel when things are wrong and he is spirited and passionate. well he passionately told my I couldnt be friends with this guy. Remember what I said about me striving for my independence.. well in my mind I thought what is the worst thing that can happen? I know what Im doing.. and maybe I can help him. Plus he was giving me the affirmation I was so wanting to have from a guy. I chose to disregard my dads advice and really anyone else’s for that matter. I put myself in a place where I had to make very big girl decisions. Well my decisions forced me to grow up rapidly. This guy was no where near to being my forever guy and I started realizing that I had drifted so far away from what God would have for me. I took myself out of the spiritual covering of my father that my heavenly father had given me and placed myself in open ready for the taking. Because of that decision I put myself in a very very difficult position. I got pregnant!! my first thought was this can’t be real.. I stared at the two lines.. positive.. its a positive.. This can’t be happening.. How on earth am I going to tell my parents? HOW ON EARTH am I going to tell them who Im pregnant with?? I lied, deceived and did things I would never do and now it was all going to be out in the open. exposed.

So here there I was buckling at the knees. slowly trying to grasp the fact that I was going to have a baby. I was still a baby, I still needed my mom and here I was going to be one. The next 9 months of my life where going to be the most important 9 months of my life. There are so many details and so many things that led me to make the decisions I did after this point. I would love to talk about them all but it would be the longest blog ever I feel, so Im just going to give a quick skeleton version. I told my parents about the pregnancy, and to say they were hurt doesn’t feel like a strong enough word. They were wounded. deeply wounded. Now being a mom myself I can imagine the pain they must have felt. Don’t get me wrong, a baby a new life is never a horrible thing but it happening when you are young and alone is so difficult. My dad found out while he was away, in an email from my mom. I was so scared. All Ive ever wanted to do is make him proud. How in the world would this make him proud. My dad a pastor now has a daughter pregnant right out of high school. He emailed me and said “Amy, I have thousands of black dots on my 56 year old page of life. this is your first, you are a good daughter and we are going to figure this out.” The support I got from my family even though they were hurt and devastated was amazing. Everyone so deeply effected from my selfish decisions. Not just me and my family but this precious little baby growing inside of me. after a few months of trying to figure out my next steps, I had made the decision to go to Houston Texas where I was born to have my daughter. I was there for 4 months. This was the hardest time of my life. I was alone for the most part. I lived with very dear family friends who were incredible support but they had lives so I wasn’t with people all of the time. And for me that was hard. It was painful, I could feel God finding those places of my heart that I had turned off. The issue wasn’t that I was pregnant. The bigger issue was what was happening in my heart that I made the decisions that I made? Why was it so easy for me to manipulate situations and lie to my parents about who I was with? in all Irony I was deceiving the people I loved in my life and was being deceived by somebody who in the long run wasn’t going to be apart of my future. I learned the hard way that your emotions are so powerful and can drive you to do incredible things. Those 4 months felt like the refiners fire. It was so painful and so hard. So many nights of crying out to God not knowing what this next chapter of my life was going to look like. I was grieving my youth because that season of my life ended when I thought I could handle making those “grown up” decisions. It wasn’t about me anymore. I was being crushed only to be rebuilt the proper way. The fire was hot and that time for me was brutal but when I look back at it now it was the most beautiful time of my life. It was beautiful because I was under his Grace. He protected me through all of this and I believe its because I submitted everything to him. I had nothing to offer anymore! My reputation was gone.. My natural ability to get to know people, to be social didn’t seem to work anymore. I felt like I had failure written all over my forehead because I was obviously young and pregnant. I needed God. I needed him to rescue me out of a pit I put myself into and I needed him to protect me and guide my path for the sake of my child. I wanted to do it right I was longing to do it right.

I gave birth to a beautiful little girl and named her Emma. Emma meaning whole and complete. I wanted that for her, even though our situation wasn’t whole and complete I wanted her to know Gods love and feel like she was loved and fought for. It took 9 months for her to develop and grow and be able to live outside of me, and I felt like it took that same 9 months for me to correct myself and allow God to work on my heart. If it wasn’t for getting pregnant I feel as though I would have continued in this awful pattern and would not have seen Gods amazing grace in my life. It was like a slap of reality that catapulted me into being the person I wanted to be. Even though I had a child outside of marriage and was doing this mom thing alone I had never felt so confident and vivacious in my life. I was changed by grace and delivered by God. I was touched by his unfailing love. The love that Jesus had for me when he died on the cross. He saw me he knew me before I was born, He knew how I would fail him and fall into sin and still died so that I could be free. So shame… well that just want apart of my thought process anymore! How could I be ashamed? In my mind that was saying Jesus it just wasn’t enough what you did that day on calvary. Thanks but Im still going to hold onto this shame because I clearly don’t deserve your forgiveness. Nope! That just wasn’t an option. I let that go. I stood proud of my gorgeous little girl and went on to be the mom I always thought I would be. My mission now was to raise her to be a God fearing woman. To help her reach her potential. I was prepared to be alone. I got this I can do this!

5 months later I met a wonderful man. An unexpected change of course that brought redemption to my situation. That is a whole other story in itself. But I thought I would start with how I got here. Im still knew at this blogging thing and I don’t really know how its going to play out or if anyone will really read it! I am liking getting my thoughts out and I love to write. so why not right? 🙂 until next time.